Local Man Realizes That All the Fun Actually Does Happen When He's Gone

An area man left a friend's party last week, only to come back and realize that all his friends had won millions of dollars while he was away. "You know, it's definitely true when people say 'All the fun happens when you're away'," said the obviously disappointed man, Gary. "I used to think that they were just complainers or exaggerators, but it's totally true!" While Gary went to pick up some chips during the party, the ten other party-goers were visited by a special TV show that gives away money. "They promised they'd save Charades for when I got back. But no, the stupid TV show guy played it with them," said an angered Gary. This is the second time that Gary has missed the hanging out excitement. Last weekend his friends won free pizza from a local pizza shop. "There was plenty pizza left when Gary got back," said Paul, another friend, in defense, "But as soon as he got back the dog and cat leaped out of nowhere and swiped all the rest of it." Gary's friends were very sorry, but would not vow to never let Gary leave their gatherings, fearing that without his usual absence the party would be particularly boring.

Bad Pizza Leads to Team Success

Boston, MA - After receiving a pizza of terrible quality from local pizza giant "Uncle Jub's Pizza," players of the Boston Red Sox have been getting their revenge by abusing "Uncle Jub's" game promotion. Uncle Jub's promised that if the Red Sox hit four home runs in one game, every person in the crowd would receive a free slice of Uncles Jub's plain pizza for that game. The Red Sox players were appalled before the first game of the season when the pizza they received from Uncle Jub's was burnt, dry, and cold. "It was a horrible experience for us," said one pitcher. "When your sitting in the locker room waiting for a hot pizza and you get a piece of crap, it really hurts. It's traumatic." The players have been planning their revenge since that day, a day that they have called "Uncle Jub's Deadness," which symbolizes how Uncle Jub's pizza became "dead" to them after the horrific incident. They are now taking their revenge by playing extremely well and making Uncle Jub's have to give away a lot of free pizza. In the Red Sox's first 20 games, they have hit 4 home runs in 18 of them. With an average attendance of 35,000 people, this has resulted in a total of 630,000 free slices of pizza. In fact, many Uncle Jub's pizza joints have had to shut down due to lack of supplies. "I've never seen them this determined," said the Red Sox's manager. "They swing the bat very hard. They're actually earning their salaries." Players have reported that they don't care about pitch location or aiming the ball. "We just thrash at anything that comes our way, pretending it's that stupid pizza boy's head," said the first baseman. In an effort to copy the Sox's recent success, Baltimore tried a similar food-related act when they had rotten bananas from local shop "Banana-Banza" fed to all of the players. This failed, however, when all of the players went down with a major food-borne illness.