NBA Lockout Ends With "Good Deal"

The NBA lockout has officially ended, and the NBA owners think that they got a "pretty good deal" out of the agreement. With the players refusing to accept a lower percentage of the revenue, the owners declared that they would split the earning 50/50, but only under one condition. "The owners have accepted the players' terms, with the addition that all NBA players must all wear Ballerina dresses on Opening Day," said the commissioner. The owners all began to giggle in the press room after that statement. Reportedly, the players will all don team themed ballerina dresses and wear heavy glitter when they play on opening day. The suits, supplied by the NBA, have already been prepared, costing the owners a grand total of $20 million. This is a move that owners call "long-awaited" and "wicked funny." "This will do miracles for the NBA," said the commissioner. "In a game that features hissy fits, throwing a ball around, and showing off, the only thing that was missing was some guys in tutus." In other news, the members of the Miami heat have been named the performer for the All Star game and will be performing a basketball rendition of "It's Raining Men" in coordinated yellow raincoats.

Frosty the Snowman is the Pop-Culture Jesus?

While listening to the classic Christmas song "Frosty the Snowman," I noticed some major similarities that the Frosty has with the story of the Passion of the Christ in the Bible.

The first clue come from the following line:
"Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say..."
This comments on how society views Jesus as a "fairy tale."

"...he could laugh and play just the same as you and me."
Similar to the part-human nature of Jesus.

"Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day. So he said, "Let's run and have some fun now before I melt away."
Like Jesus, frosty predicted his own death. The "hot sun" also symbolizes the anger of the Pharisees brewing against Jesus.

Frosty then goes "down to the village" and "led them down the streets of town." These events sound very similar to how Jesus paraded down the streets of Jerusalem along with his followers a bit before his death.

Frosty is then led to a traffic cop, who commands him to stop. This is similar to the guards who arrested Jesus and ordered him to stop his "false preaching."

Finally, Frosty declares that he "[will] be back again someday," which is similar to how Jesus promised to return some time in the future.

I hope you all enjoyed this post.

War Veteran Says Dodging Adele on Radio is Like Crawling in a Mine Field

Vietnam veteran General Stapless is voicing his frustration with mainstream music, saying that avoiding an Adele song on the radio is both harder and scarier than sneaking through mine fields in Vietnam. "I fought in 'Nam for four years. Nothing was scarier than walking through a deserted landscape, hoping that mines didn't litter the place. Nothing...until that gal." Stapless says that he used to love music. But now when he climbs into his 1981 pickup truck, he's too petrified to turn on the radio. "Something's Deep," what he thinks the song "Rolling in the Deep" is called, is simply too horrible to listen to. "Music isn't as grand as it was in my day, but this song is downright terrifying." The song is so harmful to Stapless that his doctor has ordered him to never listen to it. "As if the pitchy notes and apathetic attitude of the song aren't enough, they have to play it constantly on the radio," says his doctor, who finds the song both medically unhealthy and not something he wants his friends to see on his MP3 player. "I'd rather run through a barrage of bullets or drink pure agent orange than listen to that horrible song," says Stapless, who admits that the song makes him more depressed than his war memories. Stapless' family puts him to sleep at night promising Adele won't recover from her vocal surgery, which makes him feel much better. With Rolling in the Deep fading away, Stapless' family is hoping he never realizes that "Someone Likes You" (his interpretation of Someone Like You) is not a 1920's love ballet, but another song in which Adele complains about boy problems.

Concert-Goers Mistake Plymouth Rock for Music Festival

Note: This is a satire. It is not real.


Plymouth, MA – Local concert-goers were highly dissatisfied yesterday after realizing that the highly anticipated “Plymouth Rock” was not a concert, but an actual hardened piece of Earth. “This is really disappointing for the music community,” said a hardcore concert fan, “Most of us came from across the country to see this ‘Plymouth Rock’ that everyone is always talking about. It’s sort of a downer.” Fans of rock, punk, pop, and hip-hop alike all gathered to see Plymouth Rock, which they misinterpreted to be a major music festival. Local residents were deeply confused when people in beat-up cars and colorful vans started appearing in town. “One of them had hair down to his waist!” proclaimed a local woman, who is used to the calm conservative attitude her hometown in Plymouth usually displays. Concert attendees complained that the only music was fiddles played by the Pilgrim actors, hardly anything to head bang to. “Some pilgrim dude was playing the bagpipes, but that’s not anything I can mosh to,” said Bob Jameson, yet another person in the crowd, as he downed his second beer. “I travel all this way, and there’s just this rock here. What good is a dumb rock? It’s useless without the roll.” Jameson said that this was the second time landmarks had confused him, following the time he the thought “Visiting the Grave Stones” was a Rolling Stone reunion tour.

Making Your Drink

       Water is the source of life on Earth and keeps our world running. Seeing as water is so important to the organisms it feeds, it is therefore very important to keep this necessary resource safe and clean. However, water is not being kept in a clean state. In past years, pollution has become a huge concern, and the substance that sustains us is now harming our bodies. The worth part of this issue is that we as people are destroying the substance that we need the most. Among the many water-related dangers, a new and publicly unknown pollutant is appearing. Girls are experiencing puberty at unnatural points, women are having trouble bearing children, and research has shown an increase in the birth percentage of females. Scientists are saying these problems are due to an unsafe amount of the hormone estrogen in the water.

            So how does estrogen find its way into the water? The sources are debatable, but scientists know that the public is the main cause. Products like oral contraceptives are rapidly gaining popularity in our country. Since they prevent menstruation in the female body, they are the best-known way to keep women from getting pregnant. Hormones are put into these medications in order to control the reproductive system, and in this case the hormones are estrogen. Other uses of estrogen by humans are to help women in pregnancy, relieve menstrual pain, and increase hormone production.

            Seeing as estrogen is so widely used and even considered necessary for the health of some people, it is difficult for doctors to keep people from using it. With all its capabilities, how could estrogen possibly be detrimental to humans? The answer lies in what happens after estrogen-based products are consumed. Estrogen does not get broken down by the human digestive system. It comes out of our bodies with waste and flows completely unharmed into our water supply. Again, people may ask why this is worrisome. We have water treatment plants for the very reason of cleaning out such pollutants. This opens up the second major part of the problem. Water treatment plants do not treat for chemicals such as estrogen. The devices needed to do so are not required by the government and are highly expensive. Water treatment plants with tight budgets will not go out of their way to drain their savings for a non-required mechanism. On top of that, the amounts of estrogen in the water are considered to be negligent according to government standards. The lack of estrogen’s prominence in our water pushes it farther away from public concern.

       Although the government chooses to ignore the small amounts of estrogen in the water, scientists are quite scared. Just like how skin slowly burns in the sun, exposure to estrogen for long periods of time will eventually harm your body. Our bodies produce and use estrogen, but adding more estrogen affects the natural balance of our hormones. Too much estrogen is unsafe. The current issues of early puberty and the increase in the female population have experimental backing to it. If you don’t believe the stories from people, take heed of the stories related to animals. Scientists have many stories about exposing estrogen to fish and watching as the entire population dies out. This does not occur due to poisoning. Estrogen hormones can change the sex of the creature that takes them in. Eventually in these experiments all the fish were females, leaving no way to reproduce. As female human birth rates trend upward, this becomes a scary realization that we need to get to work on fixing this pollutant.

       All this scientific evidence is a huge warning sign to citizens and government alike. But who is truly to blame for estrogen pollution? Deeper analysis will reveal that the responsibility lies with multiple parties. The people are creating the problem with their use of estrogen-based products, but the government isn’t doing its job to remove these pollutants. Yes it is a joint effort, but there isn’t way to fairly force either side to do what needs to be done.  Therefore, we must look for the best option.
       The two sides both have a lot of work to do. The government budget plans need to be edited to allow plants to do the necessary work. This is a matter of public health and safety, and proper funds need to be supplied. However, the government is struggling with its finances and other national issues, and most likely wants to focus on more immediate problems. Finally, water treatment plants have to work the best they can to eliminate these problems. They can accomplish this by making the problems known to the government and provide statistical data to encourage government intervention. Workers may not want to put in extra effort for less pay, but in a cooperative cleanup effort everyone must sacrifice.

       On the other side, people need to be aware of the dangers of what they put in the water. First of all, we must look at the necessity of the estrogen-based products used. If there is no way to avoid using them, we must try to find effective alternatives or safer replacements. We have to be careful with our own habits to preserve our health.

       Ultimately, the responsibility falls on the people that inhabit our country. Since the government is a large and complex organization, we cannot expect it to suddenly fund water treatment plants or initiate programs to make the water cleaner. In turn, we cannot expect the people to simply stop using estrogen-based products. However, there are things that we as citizens can to make a difference. While we wait for the government to take action and address the estrogen pollution problem, we can do our best to minimize pollution. Instead of flushing old birth control pills down the toilet, people can dispose of them properly. Many cities have organized events in which medications are dropped off, sorted, and put in places where they will do minimal harm to the environment. Some facilities now have certain trash cans where medication can be disposed of separate from everyday trash. Proper disposal methods will ensure that no unneeded pollution enters the water supply. Other small decisions will take place on a personal level. Before we use an estrogen-based product, we will have to decide if it is worth the risk of polluting the water. Aside from pollution, people can focus on purification. Although water treatment plants won’t purify the water completely, there are products available to buy and use at home. These products probably won’t be perfectly effective, but the extra purification can only help. So when the authorities fail, the responsibility falls upon the people to keep their world safe and clean. Hopefully someday we can truly collaborate, people and government, to defeat pollution problems such as estrogen. Until then, we as individuals and a people must do what we can to keep ourselves safe.